I have had a case of "nervous belly" since Wednesday evening. You see, Thursday morning at 8:30 am was my interview for the Master's in Counseling program that I had applied to earlier this summer. The program is offered at the school I'm currently living at/working for, so it's kind of the most convenient and perfect thing ever. The only thing, the one teeny tiny thing that could throw a wrench in my perfect plan, is not being admitted to the program.
Yeah, just a teeny tiny wrench. Here's the thing, I feel like the path has been laid out for me to do this. I feel so drawn to this, I can't even begin to explain it. You know when doors open perfectly and people affirm decisions, it seem like there is nothing you were made to do aside from the specific dream you are chasing?
That is exactly how I feel, but, I'm also aware that sometimes I get my signals crossed or misinterpret things. Everything I'm doing at this moment in life is very specific and intentionally designed to reflect my desire to study counseling. I took a job in a state far away from home that made it possible to apply/pay for the program and I applied/was hired to do PSR which allows me to gain experience working with kids who have different behavioral diagnoses.
I feel like everything in life has been leading up to this moment and now the acceptance or rejection is entirely out of my hands. There are no more papers I can write, references I can turn in, or things I can say in an interview to convince them that I am the best fit for their program.
I feel like walking over there right now, pulling a Meredith Grey, and shouting, "PICK ME! CHOOSE ME! LOVE ME!" There are several reasons why that would be a bad idea, the least of those being that it's Saturday and there's probably not a single person in the building. Other reasons include that I didn't sleep in pajamas last night and I'm still in bed as well as the fact that they might get a little bit of a cray-cray vibe from that which would hurt my chances more than help them.
Here's the thing, I'm really, really afraid of not being admitted. That is a reality that terrifies me. It's an incredibly competitive program. They are rejecting more applicants than they are admitting and I was one of the youngest applicants. There are probably a great deal of applicants more qualified than I am. Those are things I'm okay with, but I still want it. The thing that scares me the most about the chance that I won't be admitted is that I don't know what else to do. I don't see another path for my life right now, I just see this. If there is something that I am supposed to do that is NOT school counseling, I have no idea what it is. I would need a giant revelation to make it clear what it is I actually need to be pursuing.
I won't hear back from the program for two to three weeks. That means I have two to three more weeks of absolutely horrible, sleep depriving, awkward giggle inducing nervous belly. Lucky me.
I am very much a California girl and that's something I am totally okay with. I refer to freeways as "the" and whatever number follows. I wear flip flops well into the winter. I love the ocean. I will tell you that everything is about 20 minutes away. Earthquake's don't phase me anymore.
I have something to admit, and I hope it doesn't make me a bad California girl, but I am completely head over heels in love with Idaho. I moved here in 2009 for school, moved back to California then to Korea in 2011, and now I'm back in Idaho. I can think of no other place I'd rather be at this moment either.
There's a very incredible and intentional community of people here who I can't imagine living without. When I decided on Idaho the first time, people were perplexed. "Why would you leave California?" I didn't have a good answer at that time, I just knew it was the right time to go elsewhere. When I decided to move to Idaho the second time, a lot of my friends couldn't believe why I would willingly choose to come back here. My family understood though. They've gotten to experience the beauty of this incredible place first hand and they completely get why I am head over heels in love with Idaho. I think they've inherited a bit of my love for this place.
Can you blame them?
My dear friends Kyle & Stephanie got married yesterday. I met Kyle before I knew Stephanie. We had a lot of mutual friends and then we ended up having a class together. Our professor said that our banter was reminiscent of siblings, so we just took to calling each other "bruv" & "sees." Because of my close relationship with Kyle, I ended up "inheriting" Steph as a friend.
I am so glad that I got to be a part of their special day yesterday and celebrate their love. I totally cried- I'm such a wedding crier. Okay, actually, I'm just a crier. Their wedding was so beautiful and such a perfect representation of them.
Congrats Kyle & Steph!
I love food. Like, I LOVE food. It's not my fault; it's a love that I inherited from my parents. It doesn't help either when your father is in the restaurant industry and has always provided you with delicious food. Most people wouldn't say this is a problem, but it is.
Oh it is... especially when you may also have a teensy tiny problem with portion control.
Whoopsies.
But honestly, who eats the suggested serving size of pasta?
Not any real Italian- that's for sure.
Well, when I was living in Korea, things changed a little. I feel like I made peace with food. I started looking at food as fuel, instead of a coping mechanism.
I eat my feelings, or rather, I used to eat my feelings.
I lost 27 pounds in the last couple months I lived in Korea. It was great, except for the fact I had no clothes that fit me, because even though I was smaller (and trust me, small is a relative term here) than I'd been since high school, I was still considered a giant by Asian sizes.
Coming back to America has been a battle with food again because there is an infinite supply of incredibly delicious food here!
Oh, and the variety absolutely kills me.
Mexican? Sure, I'd love to. Sushi? Most definitely. Greek? ναί!
(Google translate told me that meant yes.)
Here's the problem. I want to lose more weight, I don't have a specific size I want to be, but I just want to continue to be healthy and active, which honestly means my body will lose more weight.
Also, can we just stop and pause a second to talk about the fact that the mere fact that I'm talking about weight loss and food is HUGE.
It's a topic I've spent my whole life avoiding but here it is for you- do whatever you will with it.
If this is going to be my blog home and if I am going to be honest and open- this is going to be something I'm going to need to talk about because it's a huge part of my life right now.
This is probably the most disorganized post I will ever make, but I for some reason I felt like being honest and I knew that if I put this entry off, it would never ever get written.
So, all of that to say, this topic is probably something I'm going to talk about every know and again- the successes, the struggles, and the fact that college aged boys and their desire for late night fast food are not the best healthy influences.
(Ahem... Cody & Jordan)
PS- Elephant in the Room as the title? Sorry I'm not sorry 'bout it.
A little bit of this?
A little bit of that?
I definitely don't want to go AS red as Ashlee's hair, but I feel like red (or some reddish hues) could be a lovely addition for fall & winter. I am so indecisive with hair though, so it's times like this that I'm very lucky to have some very hair talented friends. I am going to take both of these pictures to Ariel and say, "Combine them and make my hair look lovely."
I am sure she will.
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