a tapestry of grace

This past year has probably been one of the biggest years of my life. If I’m being honest, the past couple years have looked a lot like me trying to control my surroundings and God laughing right in my face and reminding me that I have zero control over anything to which I would say, “Well watch me try to control it then like the real dumb dumb I am.” I think that’s how a lot of my interactions with God go: I tell God what we’re doing, God laughs at me and reminds me that I’m not the boss, and then I still try to be the boss because I am just a real stubborn peach. If you would have given me a sneak peak of what my 2018 would have ended up looking like, I would have called you a liar because there was no way all that would have happened. It wasn’t in the plan. The plan was to stay in Idaho, grow/promote at the Department, and continue making trips to California to see my family as I was able.

It all started in January, as these things tend to. It started with a conversation on a road trip. It started with honesty about the tension of existing so fully in two places. That honest conversation led to an email, FaceTime job interviews, and waiting. January held my first (and hopefully only) panic attack as I learned that I actually can’t do it all on my own and have to ask for help. I learned the limits of my capacity to carry the emotional trauma of others and was reminded that it’s okay to let others be a part of the hard things. January held turning thirty and I celebrated with my best pals, new favorite cocktail, dance parties, and a trip to Disneyland.

February brought an end to the waiting game. There was a dream job offer on the table but it meant leaving the place I loved most. There were lots of hard goodbyes but a few very easy “good riddances.” February meant turning in my notice at the Department along with a Valentine to my boss which probably wasn’t my best move but it was memorable to say the least. At the end of February, I packed up two suitcases, moved all of my possessions to my barn, and hopped on a plane.

March was when I immediately started my new job and realized that God had prepared that all for me so perfectly. All of the waiting, the fear, the goodbyes, and the trusting was paying off because I was getting to live my dream. March was a time of reacquainting myself with home and soaking in the “normal” moments of family dinner, nephew bath time, and learning how to make friends again.

April held birthday parties, a conference, and learning that my dearest friends were going to be parents. April feels like a blur but one of my best buds from Idaho came to visit (and drive out my car) and though we only had a very short time together, it felt like a little bit of home.

May was my favorite because it was my best friend’s wedding and a long weekend where I went to visit my brother and deliver the engagement ring that his (now) fiancé never saw coming. May held a little heartache as well but learning that sometimes that’s God’s provision.

June meant the completion of the school year and the start of summer break. I realized that I am a school person through and through and there’s nothing as beautiful as summer break. June is where I started to take being healthy more seriously. It’s where I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone at the gym and learned that making peace with my body would likely be a lifetime journey.

July was when I went home to Idaho and realized just how sad I was to have left. I soaked in as much time as I could with my people but it felt like trying to hold on to grains of sand. I had to remind myself that I was where I was supposed to be and that just because something is bittersweet doesn’t mean it’s bad.

August was the start of the new school year and a fiesta celebrating my sisters engagement. Trips to the beach became an almost daily occurrence as I tried to pull a Sheryl Crow and soak up the sun.

September held my brothers engagement party, hard realizations about relational boundaries, and a delightful day of wine tasting in Mexico. I bombed the book club pick for September and I’m not sure the other members will ever let me live it down.

October is my favorite because it always means a trip to San Felipe. Like clockwork, my dad says we’re leaving at three am which never happens, but nonetheless we still make it to our little beach paradise and have the best weekend.  This year, two of my chosen brothers got to come with us and made the trip so rich for us all.

In November, I traveled to Italy and Hungary. I drank lots of red wine, walked what felt like hundreds of miles a day, and always said YES to pasta. November reminded me that I am an introvert and unless I get adequate time alone, I will end up crying over lasagna in an Italian grocery store.

December felt short and rushed, but there were plenty of terrible Netflix and Hallmark Christmas movies to remind myself that it was in fact Christmas. I failed at my goal to do an Advent devotional and am reminded of that failure as the devotional sits on my nightstand. December held some really honest conversations with myself as I set goals for the coming year and tried to hear what the Lord would have for me in 2019. December ended as I was on a trip to the desert with both new and old friends. It ended with vulnerable conversations, smoky hair, and slow days which might be the dreamiest combination in the entire world.

When I look back on this year, I can see God’s provision through and through. Truly. There’s no way for me to look back on this year and not see how God wove all these seemingly random strands together into what is now showing to be a beautiful tapestry of His grace. There were many scary moments where I felt like God was telling me to jump and trust that He would be alongside me, in front of, and behind me. When I look back at this year, I’m also really exhausted. New things are hard and there has been plenty of new this year. 

As I enter this next year (that will hopefully be SIGNIFICANTLY more mild than this past year was) I feel like God is asking me to “sow.” It’s my prayer that this year will be marked by intention and investment. I know that future years will hold the harvest, but I think this year is going to be a really beautiful opportunity to spend time investing in my health, relationships, and faith. Now, if only God could just let me control exactly what this year will look like, that would be great.