r e s p e c t

I used to think respect was just something you gave to adults, but as I've gotten older, I've learned that respect needs to be the standard when interacting with any other human being. 
I've recently started weeding out friends. I hate the way that sounds, but I'm not sure how else to say it. I don't really see a need or have a desire to invest in people that don't respect me, encourage me, and uplift me. I don't think that is asking too much either. I think that should be the standard. People should be decent to one another.
I had an experience with a person who I felt disrespected me so much. This person was selfish, rude, and then tried to make my desire to be responsible a problem. I don't like that. I don't think that's fair. I think the beautiful thing about friendships is that we're all in different places doing different things, but we get to be a part of other peoples journeys and support them in what they are doing.
Right now my journey is graduate school, working, and an internship. I'm busy. I would love to be able to be carefree and throw caution to the wind, but that's not what my life looks like right now. It bothers me that there are certain people who refuse to respect that our lives look differently and we have different responsibilities. 
I love that my friends are all doing different things. I'm occasionally envious of the friends that are getting to do whatever they want and maybe some of my friends are occasionally envious of the situation that I'm in as well. Maybe they aren't, but that's not really the point of this all. The point is that we don't need to tolerate people in our lives who disrespect us and make us feel bad. Friendships should be beautiful and encouraging, not heavy and hard. Granted, there are periods of time where a friendship is hard or strenuous, but I don't think that means we have to tolerate disrespect.
I respect myself to know what I deserve, what I can offer, and what a healthy, adult relationship should look like. I will continue surrounding myself with people who love me, uplift me, challenge me, and respect me, but I will not allow selfish, rude, or disrespectful people to start chipping away at my life. 
[This rant is brought to you by a very frustrating Sunday, a tired brain from  studying for finals, and a Monday morning (enough said).]

the time i broke my own heart

There have been a few things I've been a little bit quiet lately just because I haven't known how to talk about them... like the fact that I've sort of been dating someone. I'll back up and give you guys the full story and tell you how it ended with me sobbing big, broken tears on my bed. 
I met this guy December. He was friends with a bunch of my friends and he made me laugh. We started chatting after I met him and I really didn't think anything of it. I just thought that he was fun to talk to. I pretty soon started anxiously awaiting his reply and just wanted to talk to him all the time. I realized I had developed a little crush. He lives a couple hours away with a group of my friends so I decided in January that I would go visit- not for him, but for the group, and he was definitely a part of the group. It was nice to get to talk to him more in person but then I sort of realized that I just liked him as a friend. I was fine with that. I think that I retreated a little when I got back just to put a little distance in between us and not be too available or give him the wrong impression. We did keep talking though and he made a plan to come visit some friends in Boise. He asked if he could see me when he came down and I agreed. What was the harm in spending a day with a friend? The day was wonderful and filled with really lovely moments. Being with him was so natural. I made plans to come up and visit about a month later with some other friends and he asked if he could take me on a date. I said no. I just wasn't sure, and seeing as how I had never previously been on a date before, I was afraid. I thought about it for a while and then decided that a date was fine. A date wasn't commitment, a date wasn't anything other than two people getting to know each other over a meal. 
He took me out on a wonderful date and was such a gentleman. I have never been treated so well by any male other than my father before. He opened all of the doors for me, asked how I was feeling, made me feel safe, and asked me questions because he was interested in what I had to say. I liked being with him and he just made me feel so comfortable which was a plus because I was a fish out of water during this whole experience. He decided to come visit me two weeks later (this weekend) and asked if he could take me out again. I was really excited to get to spend more time with him and see if this relationship is something that could go somewhere. I realize it wasn't a relationship, but he had been very upfront about his feelings the whole time. It wasn't in an aggressive way, but in an "I know what I want" way. It was attractive. 
There were no games.  There was no guessing.  He knew what he wanted and it was to continue pursuing me. 
He took me out on another lovely date this weekend. He took me out to see Jurassic Park 3D which was precious because that's one of my favorite movies and I was beyond excited that it was being rereleased in theaters. After the move he took me to dinner in Boise at my favorite restaurant and it was there that I started to doubt. Not doubt his feelings or him at all, but I think I started to doubt myself. The next day I realized that although he was perfect, wonderful, and entirely good to me- something was missing. There was a certain spark, something that wasn't there. I started to feel sick. I knew that I needed to tell him because honesty was the thing that I had promised him from the beginning. 
I called him to tell him and I just started crying. I was able to explain that I just wanted to be friends, but I was crying harder than I've cried in a long time. I just felt so guilty. He was still in town so he came over and made it even worse by being so caring and tender. He told me it was okay and that he wasn't mad at me. I asked him to be mad at me and call me names. He said he would never do that. He told me I had given him the one thing that I promised to give him and that was honesty. He was so kind to me that it broke my heart even more. I couldn't help but thinking what my problem was. This wonderful, smart, caring, handsome, funny, and driven man was pursuing me so I'm obviously the one with the problem. He sat with me, rubbed my back, and told me it was okay while I cried mascara all over my pillow and had snot all over my face. 
If this is what dating is like- count me out. Don't get me wrong, it was a wonderful experience and I'm so lucky that my first dating experience was with such a quality guy, but that pain of causing someone else pain is just too much to carry. I wish that I felt the way about him that I know I should have felt. I have nothing negative to say about him. He was better to me than anyone has ever been and that just breaks my heart even more. 

mossy fox jewelry giveaway

Hey friends. So I'm not giving away anything- except air kisses, you can have as many of those as you like, FO FREE. My best friend Aubrey of Yes Dear, Studio recently did a shoot for The Mossy Fox. My little sister modeled for her, and boy oh boy, I may be partial, but shawty is a ten.

Okay, that wasn't the point. The point was to tell you that Aubs is giving away a $50.00 credit to The Mossy Fox on her blog! The giveaway is open until April 18th and while I sort of want you guys to enter it, I sort of don't want you to because I want to win. I'm just being honest. 

Click here for the blog entry telling you how to enter as well as showcasing some of the lovely images that Aubrey took of my little sister. You should probably enter because it's a pretty sweet prize, 

but just don't win- okay? 

the cat's out of the bag

Bah! I can finally share something with you guys that I've been wanting to share F O R E V E R. And by forever, I mean since February-ish. This is one of the things that has been adding so much stress to my life and I feel so relieved now that I can talk about it. 
I've been hired as an Residence Director at my alma mater.
In the words of Kristen Wiig: 

This job basically combines everything I love: sisterhood, counseling, spirituality, community, and social events. I know there is going to be so much to do and there's going to be moments where I feel overwhelmed, but I am so excited and blessed to have this opportunity. This will be a full time job where I get to live and work in the same place. I'll be the RD for the Freshman girls and I can't even explain how exciting that it. I've had a lot of different jobs in the past, I've done some pretty rad things, but this? This is a career. This is a big girl job. This pays the bills, this has benefits, and this has a real job description. I feel so blessed to be able to have this position, to be entrusted with the livelihood of these girls I have yet to meet. I am so flattered that this university feels like I am the best addition to their team. The staff here is just of the highest caliber, they are real gems, and to be considered worthy enough and capable enough to work with them? That's a blessing. 

I will start this job in August and I can't even begin to say how stoked I am. My mind is already buzzing with ideas on how to create a community in that dorm and how to love each of those girls in the best possible way. Pray for me. Pray for the dorm. Please pray for the residents that I have yet to meet. You guys, things are changing 'round here. Life is moving and I couldn't be more excited. 

six heavy letters

S   T   R   E   S   S
I feel like I've always been pretty good at managing stress. I've found creative outlets like exercising, journaling, and chatting. Somehow, even in incredibly stressful situations, things have never felt overwhelming. I've never really felt like I was drowning, until now.
I can't put my finger on it, but I've been anxious and overwhelmed for the past month or so. I've started producing gray hairs more rapidly and my sleep has been horribly shallow. My nails have been brittle, my skin has been bad, and I've felt nauseous almost daily. The stress, the horrible stress that I've usually been able to manage, has manifested itself physically, and boy has it taken its toll.
I first started worrying about finances, which led into worrying about school, certain relationships have shifted lately leaving me feeling vulnerable and self conscious, and life has been filled with unknown. Sometimes it feels like there's so much to worry about that I just want to weep, and you know what? Sometimes I do. 
I hate feeling this way, because I've always felt stable and strong. In these moments recently, I've been anything but stable and strong. I'm not sure how or why things have escalated to the point where they are at, but even in the midst of these very overwhelming feelings, I know that it is just a season. There will be peace after the storm and although I feel as though I have no control, Jesus has control. 
I'm not sure what prompted me to write about this today. I don't necessarily feel better, but I want people to know where I'm at, I want people to understand that life is difficult, and sometimes you feel sick every day, but the Lord provides. He provides in all facets of life, and while I feel sick, broken, and exhausted, Jesus will meet me at my breaking point and put back together the pieces. He will bind me together and make me feel whole, but until I'm overcome with the peace of Jesus, there's always melatonin and hair dye. 

empty chairs at empty tables

Death has been way too prevalent of a theme in my life lately. I am lucky enough that I never really experienced the passing of someone I was close to prior to this year. My grandfather passed away when I was nine, but I think that because I was so young, I didn't understand how sad it was. I knew that my father lost his father, now I realize that there's nothing more that can make my heart ache than thinking of existing in a world without my siblings or parents. I understand how tragic that loss was for him now, but when it happened, I think I was too young to grasp it. 
I've been thinking about death a lot lately because of the passing of my Uncle Tony. To know Uncle Tony was to love him. Sometimes I forget that he is gone. I think about going to California, going into his restaurant, saying hello and receiving the biggest hug/kiss combination, then I realize that he's gone. I realize that his physical body now resides in a cemetery near my home and that if I want to visit him, that's where I'll go. Sometimes I forget about his passing until I see the mass card in my wallet. It's there to remind me to live a life of love and giving, just like Uncle Tony. It's there to remind me of how important family is, and how I need to take every opportunity to let people know that I love them. 
I'm not sure that I've talked about my Uncle John as much, but he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer the summer before I moved to Korea. We were told that the cancer was so aggressive that things would be over shortly. I saw him before I left for Korea and I felt like that was the final goodbye. He held on and I was able to see him when I came home from Korea. Seeing him provided a physical representation of the deterioration that I knew was occurring. He was sick. I saw him in the summer and as I said goodbye, part of my heart knew that that was the last time I'd see him. I was able to see him twice over Christmas break and unfortunately he looked worse than I imagine. He was frail, he was weak, and you could tell the chemotherapy had done a number on him. He just seemed exhausted. He's been holding on, but I think just long enough to get his wife settled. His wife, my Aunt Gail, had a five brain aneurysms seven years ago and was left without the ability to care for herself. Since then, Uncle John has been her caretaker. He's been so gentle, tenderhearted, and good with her. He has loved her with a truly selfless love, one that is beautiful and whole. 
I got a text message from my brother earlier this week telling me that my father was having a hard time. It had been exactly a month since Uncle Tony had passed and Uncle John was doing so poorly. They anticipate Uncle John passing within the next week. Isn't that just the craziest thing to hear? One minute he'll be here, and the next he'll be gone. His passing is tragic, it's been a slow and painful road for him and his family, but the passing of Uncle Tony has been equally as tragic as it was shocking and completely caught everyone off guard. 
I honestly don't know how I or my family would cope with this all if it weren't for our faith in the Lord. I don't want to be preachy, but as a Christian, I know that death is not the end for me or my loved ones. I know that our lives have been redeemed and that death will not separate us from each other or from God. My heart is broken as I've had to say goodbye to too many people lately, but knowing that the goodbye is temporary has helped me greatly. 

travel chat

Hi friends. The lovely Chelsea from Lost in Travels is hosting me over on her blog today where I talk about living in Korea and some of my thoughts about that experience. You can read about it all here. I feel like Chelsea and I are soul sisters because we've both lived in the same country and share a lot of experiences. Reading her blog definitely makes me homesick for Korea!  Go checkout her bloggy blog and say hello. She's a gem, friends.