This past year has probably been one of the biggest years of
my life. If I’m being honest, the past couple years have looked a lot like me
trying to control my surroundings and God laughing right in my face and
reminding me that I have zero control over anything to which I would say, “Well
watch me try to control it then like the real dumb dumb I am.” I think that’s
how a lot of my interactions with God go: I tell God what we’re doing, God
laughs at me and reminds me that I’m not the boss, and then I still try to be
the boss because I am just a real stubborn peach. If you would have given me a sneak
peak of what my 2018 would have ended up looking like, I would have called you
a liar because there was no way all that would have happened. It wasn’t in the
plan. The plan was to stay in Idaho, grow/promote at the Department, and
continue making trips to California to see my family as I was able.
It all started in January, as these things tend to. It
started with a conversation on a road trip. It started with honesty about the
tension of existing so fully in two places. That honest conversation led to an
email, FaceTime job interviews, and waiting. January held my first (and
hopefully only) panic attack as I learned that I actually can’t do it all on my
own and have to ask for help. I learned the limits of my capacity to carry the
emotional trauma of others and was reminded that it’s okay to let others be a
part of the hard things. January held turning thirty and I celebrated with my
best pals, new favorite cocktail, dance parties, and a trip to Disneyland.
February brought an end to the waiting game. There was a
dream job offer on the table but it meant leaving the place I loved most. There
were lots of hard goodbyes but a few very easy “good riddances.” February meant
turning in my notice at the Department along with a Valentine to my boss which
probably wasn’t my best move but it was memorable to say the least. At the end
of February, I packed up two suitcases, moved all of my possessions to my barn,
and hopped on a plane.
March was when I immediately started my new job and realized
that God had prepared that all for me so perfectly. All of the waiting, the
fear, the goodbyes, and the trusting was paying off because I was getting to
live my dream. March was a time of reacquainting myself with home and soaking
in the “normal” moments of family dinner, nephew bath time, and learning how to
make friends again.
April held birthday parties, a conference, and learning that
my dearest friends were going to be parents. April feels like a blur but one of
my best buds from Idaho came to visit (and drive out my car) and though we only
had a very short time together, it felt like a little bit of home.
May was my favorite because it was my best friend’s wedding
and a long weekend where I went to visit my brother and deliver the engagement
ring that his (now) fiancé never saw coming. May held a little heartache as well
but learning that sometimes that’s God’s provision.
June meant the completion of the school year and the start
of summer break. I realized that I am a school person through and through and
there’s nothing as beautiful as summer break. June is where I started to take
being healthy more seriously. It’s where I pushed myself outside of my comfort
zone at the gym and learned that making peace with my body would likely be a
lifetime journey.
July was when I went home to Idaho and realized just how sad
I was to have left. I soaked in as much time as I could with my people but it
felt like trying to hold on to grains of sand. I had to remind myself that I
was where I was supposed to be and that just because something is bittersweet
doesn’t mean it’s bad.
August was the start of the new school year and a fiesta
celebrating my sisters engagement. Trips to the beach became an almost daily
occurrence as I tried to pull a Sheryl Crow and soak up the sun.
September held my brothers engagement party, hard
realizations about relational boundaries, and a delightful day of wine tasting
in Mexico. I bombed the book club pick for September and I’m not sure the other
members will ever let me live it down.
October is my favorite because it always means a trip to San
Felipe. Like clockwork, my dad says we’re leaving at three am which never
happens, but nonetheless we still make it to our little beach paradise and have
the best weekend. This year, two of my
chosen brothers got to come with us and made the trip so rich for us all.
In November, I traveled to Italy and Hungary. I drank lots
of red wine, walked what felt like hundreds of miles a day, and always said YES
to pasta. November reminded me that I am an introvert and unless I get adequate
time alone, I will end up crying over lasagna in an Italian grocery store.
December felt short and rushed, but there were plenty of
terrible Netflix and Hallmark Christmas movies to remind myself that it was in
fact Christmas. I failed at my goal to do an Advent devotional and am reminded
of that failure as the devotional sits on my nightstand. December held some
really honest conversations with myself as I set goals for the coming year and
tried to hear what the Lord would have for me in 2019. December ended as I was
on a trip to the desert with both new and old friends. It ended with vulnerable
conversations, smoky hair, and slow days which might be the dreamiest
combination in the entire world.
When I look back on this year, I can see God’s provision
through and through. Truly. There’s no way for me to look back on this year and
not see how God wove all these seemingly random strands together into what is now
showing to be a beautiful tapestry of His grace. There were many scary moments where
I felt like God was telling me to jump and trust that He would be alongside me,
in front of, and behind me. When I look back at this year, I’m also really
exhausted. New things are hard and there has been plenty of new this year.
As I
enter this next year (that will hopefully be SIGNIFICANTLY more mild than this
past year was) I feel like God is asking me to “sow.” It’s my prayer that this
year will be marked by intention and investment. I know that future years will
hold the harvest, but I think this year is going to be a really beautiful
opportunity to spend time investing in my health, relationships, and faith. Now,
if only God could just let me control exactly what this year will look like, that would
be great.
