March 17, 2013

six heavy letters

S   T   R   E   S   S

I feel like I've always been pretty good at managing stress. I've found creative outlets like exercising, journaling, and chatting. Somehow, even in incredibly stressful situations, things have never felt overwhelming. I've never really felt like I was drowning, until now.

I can't put my finger on it, but I've been anxious and overwhelmed for the past month or so. I've started producing gray hairs more rapidly and my sleep has been horribly shallow. My nails have been brittle, my skin has been bad, and I've felt nauseous almost daily. The stress, the horrible stress that I've usually been able to manage, has manifested itself physically, and boy has it taken its toll.

I first started worrying about finances, which led into worrying about school, certain relationships have shifted lately leaving me feeling vulnerable and self conscious, and life has been filled with unknown. Sometimes it feels like there's so much to worry about that I just want to weep, and you know what? Sometimes I do. 

I hate feeling this way, because I've always felt stable and strong. In these moments recently, I've been anything but stable and strong. I'm not sure how or why things have escalated to the point where they are at, but even in the midst of these very overwhelming feelings, I know that it is just a season. There will be peace after the storm and although I feel as though I have no control, Jesus has control. 

I'm not sure what prompted me to write about this today. I don't necessarily feel better, but I want people to know where I'm at, I want people to understand that life is difficult, and sometimes you feel sick every day, but the Lord provides. He provides in all facets of life, and while I feel sick, broken, and exhausted, Jesus will meet me at my breaking point and put back together the pieces. He will bind me together and make me feel whole, but until I'm overcome with the peace of Jesus, there's always melatonin and hair dye. 
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