October 13, 2012

a letter

I have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of a letter, a letter that would very much lay out the next couple years for me. Ever since the interview for the MS in Counseling program, I have had a perpetual stomach ache and had a difficult time sleeping.  It was really hard waiting because I started to get this weird peaceful feeling about potentially not getting in. I felt like that was maybe God's way of preparing my heart and mind for rejection. That scared me, a lot.  When people asked me about how I was feeling, I tried to be positive and downplay and heartache that would accompany rejection. One of the fears I had with not getting in was the fact that people would know I was disappointed. I'm not sure why that scared/scares me so much, but that's something I didn't want.

I also started to convince myself of reasons I would get in, none of them really had to do with my own ability, but with little external blessings like being employed by the school. I had lunch the week after the interview with someone whom I respect greatly and highly value her opinion. I was honest and completely vulnerable with her about fears associated with not getting in/reasons why I thought I might get in. Amanda said, "Jess, have you ever thought that the reason why you'll get in is because you're a great candidate?" I honestly hadn't thought that way. I know I am a good candidate, but in my reasoning and after seeing the other candidates, I didn't feel like I was up to par with them. I am not trying to be one of those people who is desperately trying to find someone to affirm them, that's not what I'm looking for and that's not what I need. I think that I was just trying to process through everything and prepare myself for the realistic chance that things wouldn't pan out the way I hoped.

I got a letter this past week, a letter that I was nervous for, but I already knew what it said inside. I had found out through an email that had been sent that retrospectively should not have been sent until the letters were delivered. Regardless, I already knew what the letter said, but I needed to read it. I needed to hold the letter in my hand, I needed to be able to read the words multiple times to let them sink in.

"Congratulations! You have been accepted into the 
Masters of Science in Counseling graduate studies program." 

I was accepted. I am one of nine candidates (out of 25/30-ish) candidates who was admitted into the program. I feel so blessed and humbled because I know there were SO many other qualified candidates. I know there are people who are mourning their rejection right now, and rightfully so. I would have mourned as well, but because I was accepted, I have been celebrating. 

When I told Amanda that I was accepted, she said, "It's not a fluke- it's all you baby! You should feel proud!" She was right. I wasn't a pity acceptance, it has nothing to do with the fact that I work for the school, or any other reason I might have previously told myself. It's because I am a good candidate. It's because I will make a good counselor and the interviewing committee was able to see that in me. 

It's something I need to allow myself to see.



  1. Congratulations again girl! So happy that you got in!

  2. Congrats, Jess! Go kick some counseling butt!


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