March 17, 2013

six heavy letters

S   T   R   E   S   S

I feel like I've always been pretty good at managing stress. I've found creative outlets like exercising, journaling, and chatting. Somehow, even in incredibly stressful situations, things have never felt overwhelming. I've never really felt like I was drowning, until now.

I can't put my finger on it, but I've been anxious and overwhelmed for the past month or so. I've started producing gray hairs more rapidly and my sleep has been horribly shallow. My nails have been brittle, my skin has been bad, and I've felt nauseous almost daily. The stress, the horrible stress that I've usually been able to manage, has manifested itself physically, and boy has it taken its toll.

I first started worrying about finances, which led into worrying about school, certain relationships have shifted lately leaving me feeling vulnerable and self conscious, and life has been filled with unknown. Sometimes it feels like there's so much to worry about that I just want to weep, and you know what? Sometimes I do. 

I hate feeling this way, because I've always felt stable and strong. In these moments recently, I've been anything but stable and strong. I'm not sure how or why things have escalated to the point where they are at, but even in the midst of these very overwhelming feelings, I know that it is just a season. There will be peace after the storm and although I feel as though I have no control, Jesus has control. 

I'm not sure what prompted me to write about this today. I don't necessarily feel better, but I want people to know where I'm at, I want people to understand that life is difficult, and sometimes you feel sick every day, but the Lord provides. He provides in all facets of life, and while I feel sick, broken, and exhausted, Jesus will meet me at my breaking point and put back together the pieces. He will bind me together and make me feel whole, but until I'm overcome with the peace of Jesus, there's always melatonin and hair dye. 


  1. what a great way at looking at a difficult time. i pray that things get easier, and you start to feel better. in the meantime, prayer always makes me feel better for the moment, like in that moment nothing can touch me.

  2. Masturbation is a wonderful way to relieve stress. So is eating half a pan of brownies. I did both today and I feel much better, even though the stress is still there lingering in the background obnoxiously.

  3. I'm gonna go ahead and agree with Marina.

    I've been to your blog before but each time I come back I always think that your design is happy like the morning sun. I just added you to my reader, I don't know why I kept forgetting!

    After my grandma died (and my boyfriend broke up with me 4 days later....over facebook...) I found myself having a panic attack outside of my office. I literally sat on the floor, called my parents, and cried to them - telling them that even my skin and hair felt different. I even took a pregnancy test because I felt SO off-balance and wanted to rule out all the causes. But it was just stress.

    You can drown yourself in brownies and hobbies and fun times with friends, and those are all wonderful things! But I still stand by the opinion that the best thing you can possibly do is just BREATHE. Long, slow, deep breaths. Think of breathing in the good and breathing out the bad.

    And if that doesn't work, time will. It ALWAYS does.



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