There are a lot of concerning things occurring in the world right now. It seems like everywhere I turn, there’s a new, stressful issue to pay attention to. We have an upcoming political election steeped in controversy, little kids are cutting other kids hair in school (Unbeknownst to the child with the new 'do. Don't believe me? Ask my school counselor sister), and Grey’s Anatomy has gone a season too long. How much more can Meredith Grey take?!
It seems that amidst all of the above scandals, we’ve missed perhaps the most horrific one of all: new American Girl Dolls.
Nothing gets my blood boiling like being confronted with the arrival of new American Girl Dolls. Apparently historical dolls are called “BeForever Characters” and are described by the website as: Courage, smarts, and spirit- that’s what the BeForever characters show in every story as they bring America’s history to life for girls today.”
Hold on whilst I regain my composure. Stop trying to rebrand the original gals (OG’s as I like to call them). Not only is there a complete rebranding of the girls of yesteryear, but there’s so many new ones. Perhaps the most painful thing of all is that you’ll notice the disappearance of some of America’s favorite gals. Upon perusing the website, it was brought to my attention that Felicity, Kirsten, and Molly have been laid to rest. You’re telling me that little girls don’t need to know about the Revolutionary War? Okay Benedict Arnold. Kirsten is a brave girl who helps her family settle on a new frontier. That’s not important anymore? And Molly?! Sweet, sweet Molly. You just wanted to help support your country during World War II and you were repaid by being archived.
The corporate turd ferguson’s over at American Girl dolls have laid true, American heroes to rest in order to make room for new girls like Julie. Julie? Please. She’s described as a “groovy” girl from the 60’s. Julie probably drops acid.
Don’t even get me started on Mary Ellen. She’s deemed kind for befriending an Italian girl in the 50’s. Uh, news flash. That little Italian girl, whoever she was, was doing Mary Ellen a favor because homegirl is the EPITOME of vanilla. Mary Ellen’s favorite food is probably white bread.
Melody is dumb too because the only thing her story talks about is how she likes to sing. We get it Melody. You like to sing. Cool, me too. What else, Melody? What else do you like to do? Who even are you? Does she even have any idea?! Plus, Melody was JUST released this year so I feel like if she’s going to try and take up space amongst the OG’s, she needs to prove herself and so far, no dice.
I’m fine with Kaya and Josefina. Josefina first made her debut in 1997 so even though she’s not an OG, she’s close enough that she gets a free pass. Kaya’s cool too because she represents a unique population and from what I have gathered in my research, her story is really moving.
It is astounding to me, and frankly I find it wildly offensive, that Samantha still exists on the market but Felicity doesn’t. I’ve always had major beef with Samantha because she just seemed so dang spoiled. I had Felicity (objectively the BEST one to ever be created, God rest her soul) and my little sister had Samantha. Samantha had a fancy bed with fluffy pillows and everything about her was just showy. I believe that Samantha never had to fight for anything in her life. She was just handed everything by her rich Grandma. Felicity, on the other hand, was stubborn, headstrong, and brave. She was a caretaker of animals and had no problem standing up to bullies like Jiggy Nye even though he was really scary (I remember that from the books- he was not a pleasant human).
While I always gravitated towards Felicity because she was the most beautiful, smartest, and brave (proven by science), I was always drawn to Kirsten. She had beautiful blonde hair and even wore candles in her braids on special occasions. I know that’s super dangerous but that just goes to show what a bad ass she was. Do you think Julie would put candles on her head? Actually, she probably would because she’s so doped up that she probably makes a myriad of poor decisions. For Kirsten, it wasn’t a poor decision, it was her bringing pieces of her Swedish culture to the new world. Molly falls in difficult territory for me. I avoided her like the plague as a child because looking at Molly was like looking in the mirror. She’s fine though, she’s in the club, she’s just not my favorite. Addy is also pretty bad ass. She was a champion for unity and incredibly self motivated when it came to education. She’s a fabulous role model for girls everywhere.
The definitive, unbiased ranking of OG’s is as follows:
1. Felicity. If you disagree with this- you’re wrong. She’s the best. We’ve settled that. Long live Felicity and shame on American Girl Dolls for retiring her.
2. Kirsten. CANDLES ON HER HEAD.
3. Addy. Brave. Educated. We need more girls who are like Addy.
4. Molly. Doppleganger. Can’t get over it.
5. Samantha “born with a silver spoon in her mouth” Parkington.
Wake up people, the best American Girl Dolls are slowly but surely being retired and replaced by girls with no personalities who do drugs and just like to “sing.” Is this what we want our future daughters to be like? I SAY NAY. We want Addys. We want Felicitys. We want Kirstens with candles in their hair!
Read this
ReplyDelete