September 29, 2012

it's just that we're delicate

I have had a case of "nervous belly" since Wednesday evening. You see, Thursday morning at 8:30 am was my interview for the Master's in Counseling program that I had applied to earlier this summer. The program is offered at the school I'm currently living at/working for, so it's kind of the most convenient and perfect thing ever. The only thing, the one teeny tiny thing that could throw a wrench in my perfect plan, is not being admitted to the program. 

Yeah, just a teeny tiny wrench. Here's the thing, I feel like the path has been laid out for me to do this. I feel so drawn to this, I can't even begin to explain it. You know when doors open perfectly and people affirm decisions, it seem like there is nothing you were made to do aside from the specific dream you are chasing?

That is exactly how I feel, but, I'm also aware that sometimes I get my signals crossed or misinterpret things. Everything I'm doing at this moment in life is very specific and intentionally designed to reflect my desire to study counseling. I took a job in a state far away from home that made it possible to apply/pay for the program and I applied/was hired to do PSR which allows me to gain experience working with kids who have different behavioral diagnoses. 

I feel like everything in life has been leading up to this moment and now the acceptance or rejection is entirely out of my hands. There are no more papers I can write, references I can turn in, or things I can say in an interview to convince them that I am the best fit for their program.

I feel like walking over there right now, pulling a Meredith Grey, and shouting, "PICK ME! CHOOSE ME! LOVE ME!" There are several reasons why that would be a bad idea, the least of those being that it's Saturday and there's probably not a single person in the building. Other reasons include that I didn't sleep in pajamas last night and I'm still in bed as well as the fact that they might get a little bit of a cray-cray vibe from that which would hurt my chances more than help them.

Here's the thing, I'm really, really afraid of not being admitted. That is a reality that terrifies me. It's an incredibly competitive program. They are rejecting more applicants than they are admitting and I was one of the youngest applicants. There are probably a great deal of applicants more qualified than I am. Those are things I'm okay with, but I still want it. The thing that scares me the most about the chance that I won't be admitted is that I don't know what else to do. I don't see another path for my life right now, I just see this. If there is something that I am supposed to do that is NOT school counseling, I have no idea what it is. I would need a giant revelation to make it clear what it is I actually need to be pursuing. 

I won't hear back from the program for two to three weeks. That means I have two to three more weeks of absolutely horrible, sleep depriving, awkward giggle inducing nervous belly. Lucky me. 



  1. i know exactly how you feel. i had a major case of nervous belly before and after my interview. waiting for the results is the absolute worst, but i realized in the process that i need to work on patience and just being at peace with the present. but i mean i'd accept you into the program no questions asked, so they better too!

  2. I've always sucked at waiting for an answer so I know exactly how crappy this is. I'm sure you'll be accepted :)


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