April 15, 2013

the time i broke my own heart

There have been a few things I've been a little bit quiet lately just because I haven't known how to talk about them... like the fact that I've sort of been dating someone. I'll back up and give you guys the full story and tell you how it ended with me sobbing big, broken tears on my bed. 

I met this guy December. He was friends with a bunch of my friends and he made me laugh. We started chatting after I met him and I really didn't think anything of it. I just thought that he was fun to talk to. I pretty soon started anxiously awaiting his reply and just wanted to talk to him all the time. I realized I had developed a little crush. He lives a couple hours away with a group of my friends so I decided in January that I would go visit- not for him, but for the group, and he was definitely a part of the group. It was nice to get to talk to him more in person but then I sort of realized that I just liked him as a friend. I was fine with that. I think that I retreated a little when I got back just to put a little distance in between us and not be too available or give him the wrong impression. We did keep talking though and he made a plan to come visit some friends in Boise. He asked if he could see me when he came down and I agreed. What was the harm in spending a day with a friend? The day was wonderful and filled with really lovely moments. Being with him was so natural. I made plans to come up and visit about a month later with some other friends and he asked if he could take me on a date. I said no. I just wasn't sure, and seeing as how I had never previously been on a date before, I was afraid. I thought about it for a while and then decided that a date was fine. A date wasn't commitment, a date wasn't anything other than two people getting to know each other over a meal. 

He took me out on a wonderful date and was such a gentleman. I have never been treated so well by any male other than my father before. He opened all of the doors for me, asked how I was feeling, made me feel safe, and asked me questions because he was interested in what I had to say. I liked being with him and he just made me feel so comfortable which was a plus because I was a fish out of water during this whole experience. He decided to come visit me two weeks later (this weekend) and asked if he could take me out again. I was really excited to get to spend more time with him and see if this relationship is something that could go somewhere. I realize it wasn't a relationship, but he had been very upfront about his feelings the whole time. It wasn't in an aggressive way, but in an "I know what I want" way. It was attractive. 

There were no games. 
There was no guessing. 
He knew what he wanted and it was to continue pursuing me. 

He took me out on another lovely date this weekend. He took me out to see Jurassic Park 3D which was precious because that's one of my favorite movies and I was beyond excited that it was being rereleased in theaters. After the move he took me to dinner in Boise at my favorite restaurant and it was there that I started to doubt. Not doubt his feelings or him at all, but I think I started to doubt myself. The next day I realized that although he was perfect, wonderful, and entirely good to me- something was missing. There was a certain spark, something that wasn't there. I started to feel sick. I knew that I needed to tell him because honesty was the thing that I had promised him from the beginning. 

I called him to tell him and I just started crying. I was able to explain that I just wanted to be friends, but I was crying harder than I've cried in a long time. I just felt so guilty. He was still in town so he came over and made it even worse by being so caring and tender. He told me it was okay and that he wasn't mad at me. I asked him to be mad at me and call me names. He said he would never do that. He told me I had given him the one thing that I promised to give him and that was honesty. He was so kind to me that it broke my heart even more. I couldn't help but thinking what my problem was. This wonderful, smart, caring, handsome, funny, and driven man was pursuing me so I'm obviously the one with the problem. He sat with me, rubbed my back, and told me it was okay while I cried mascara all over my pillow and had snot all over my face. 

If this is what dating is like- count me out. Don't get me wrong, it was a wonderful experience and I'm so lucky that my first dating experience was with such a quality guy, but that pain of causing someone else pain is just too much to carry. I wish that I felt the way about him that I know I should have felt. I have nothing negative to say about him. He was better to me than anyone has ever been and that just breaks my heart even more. 



  1. Oh Jess, I am so sorry girl.
    Dating is tough, and I've definitely been in this position before. Sometimes, no matter how amazing the man is, there has to be that spark/attractiveness there. You personally can't help it if it isn't and you can't force it. Maybe it will one day, or maybe it won't.

    I'm a little late on reading this post, but I hope and pray that you're doing better. It's such a hard place to be in, but you will be SO happy that you were honest with him.

  2. Awww. That's tough! It just means you're really sensitive!

    He sounds like a great guy who understood.

    All you were doing was being true to yourself. He'll find someone right for him, just like you'll find someone right for you -- and this will all make sense. :)


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