August 9, 2013

i won't grow up (but one day i sort of did)

Today was an adult day. I don't know how else to explain it. I did so many grown up things in one day which is peculiar seeing as how I still very much feel like this cheeky babe:

Are you dead from seeing that picture? It is probably my favorite picture of myself in existence. Look at that foot pop! I was in pre-school. The 'tude has been in full effect since I was birthed in 1988. 

I digress.

Can you sit tight for a second while I tell you all about my grown up day? Pretty please? I started my day off at a meeting with Human Resources. I've never worked in a job before where there was a real human resources office. Actually, that is sort of a lie. I'm sure I have, but my sole interaction with them was signing new hire paperwork. There was nothing more to it than my name, the date, and probably a signature indicating I wouldn't do drugs. That one sure was hard to abide by. Not. There was a whole stack of paper regarding benefits, which I am still blown away by. I can go to the dentist without paying for everything out of pocket. What is this, Heaven? I signed up for a 401k which seems so strange because I really had no idea what it was before this morning. I had heard of it, obviously, but I didn't know exactly what it was nor did I understand what a great program it is. One of the perks (I actually don't think it can be called that) is that with my full time employment, I get a basic life insurance policy without having to pay into it or anything. It's just a small little chunk of money that I imagine would go towards burial, funeral, and all of those lovely things. Since I am oh so single (tell your brothers, ladies!), I chose my younger twin sisters as my beneficiaries with the thought that if anything were to happen to me (Morbid City, USA. Population: Me), the twins could put a portion of that money towards their education (I'd totes stick my parents with funeral fees. You brought me into the world, now pay to bring me out). Before that happened, I texted both of them and asked "Would you kill someone if you knew that when they died you were to receive a portion of money?" Luckily, both of them said they wouldn't, so I felt confident writing their names down. If I die and things seem wonky- it's the twins. Please make sure my story is made into a Lifetime Original Movie and please ensure that I'm not played by some dumpy d-list "actress." The twins can be played by Zack and Cody from that Disney Channel TV show. Yes, my sisters are girls, but they lost their ability to be played by cute girls in my movie when they decided to kill me. 

After all that paperwork, I went to my bank that shall remain nameless and decided to close my account. The bank was recently bought out by a different chain that's located solely in the Pacific Northwest. While I currently call that area home, I enjoy traveling and I spend a great deal of time in California so it would be a hassle to bank while I was elsewhere. I decided to open up with a new institution that has killer perks ($300 in cash just for opening a new account with direct deposit? Sign me up.) and super impressive customer service. This was my first time going through this process alone because I've had my other bank account since I was sixteen. It was exciting and now my mom can't have access to my money. Marmee would never touch a dime without permission but I like to tease her and pretend like she steals my money and uses it for street rat activities.

You probably don't think a day can get more adult than that, do ya? You're in for a big surprise seeing as how I also signed up for my own car insurance today. Yeah, that's right. My own policy. No more Poppa or Marmee on the insurance. Just me! I was so nervous because I figured it would be super expensive, but luckily I've never had a ticket, accident, or any other issue so I got a smokin' deal with State Farm. I also just knocked like crazy on my desk to ensure that my car doesn't explode tomorrow since I basically just bragged on my driving history. I originally just wanted to go with All State since President David Palmer is in the commercials, but his hands didn't give me as good of a deal as All State. Sorry Prez. 

You must be thinking, "Surely since her day was so adult-ish, her night must be equally as chic and grown up!" You know I would never let you down, so I'll give you a little peek into my super suave evening: Liz Lemon Greek Froyo (TO DIE FOR. TO. DIE. FOR.) in the carton with just a spoon, Frank Sinatra, and Netflix. It surely is a glamorous life I lead, friends.

I just realized that there should be a manual for growing up. There's so much that you need to know just about the logistics of adult paperwork that I feel like a handbook of some sorts would be incredibly helpful. Don't even get me started on taxes, that's a whole different animal that I'm terrified of. Maybe I'm the only 25 year old who feels like they are an adult because they pick beneficiaries, open a bank account, and start their own car insurance policy, but a little piece of me tells me that I'm not alone in this. 

So here's to growing up, resisting growing up, seeking the perfect balance between kid and adult, and hoping your sisters don't murder you for your life insurance policy. 



  1. DAVID PALMER FTW. Always. Although we use State Farm and our car broke down this week and I found out they have a free towing service. It made my adult day.

  2. ahh david palmer! can i say my husband and i are just NOW watching 24? and the first episode i was like ALL STATE MAN! deepest voice ever!

    on that note, i am married and I own a house. but i am not grownup. not at all.


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