May 16, 2013

the time i survived a worst case scenario

I'm sort of the queen of "what if" situations. 
"What would you do if I just passed out and hit my head and blood was all over the ground?' 
(I seriously said this one today as I was leaving lunch with a friend)
For some reason, I like to look at situations and think of something horrible to test my reaction. I feel so dysfunctional as I'm typing this. This is probably most definitely a result of watching too many suspense/crime shows. My roommate from college always calls me out on it when I do it because I rarely even realize that it's happening. It's a part of who I am though, it's my spiritual gift. 

I've never really lived one of these "worst case scenarios" until last week. Not only did I live a WCS (worst case scenario- duhhhh), but I survived it. I Braveheart. 

I decided recently that I'm going to start being healthier. I'm going to put whole foods in my body and exercise. There's not a goal associated with this, just a desire to be healthier. I ate tacos for lunch today though so I'm obviously off to a very slow start. Forget that, taco's are like manna from Heaven. I shouldn't have to apologize for street tacos.

I digress. 

In my effort to be healthy, I decided that I would start taking advantage of the beautiful greenbelt with a very convenient path perfect for running, jogging, walking, or the very weird mix of all three that make me look like I'm dying. The other night, after eating some deliciously healthy dinner like quinoa or whatever, I decided to go on a little run/jog/walk/die. I took off towards the greenbelt (which is a little over a mile from my house) and was feeling really great as I was movin' and groovin' to Today's Hits Pandora station. I get to the greenbelt and take off to the left where I am feeling basically like a fitness model because I know that I'm looking oh so fly and healthy. 

I get about a quarter mile down the greenbelt when it hits me.

I have to go to the bathroom.

This wasn't a "find some bushes and sprinkle a quick tinkle" type of trip. This was an "I ate quinoa for dinner and too many healthy things and what is happening to my body right now" type of bathroom trip. Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Don't make me say it. It's too embarrassing. I realized that I needed to turn around and go home because if not, I was going to get to the point where I was going to use the nature potty but the greenbelt is lined with houses so basically I had no choice but to high tail it home. I turn around and am using coping mechanisms (future counselor, heyo!) and distractions to take my mind off of the impending doom that is my bowel situation. Is this too much information for a blog? Whatever. We're all friends here, right? 

I start to panic and get the cold sweats. I know what's happening. I need a bathroom. There's basically no place where I can go to the restroom aside from my home. There's a Jack in the Box down the road but it's over a mile away and I knew I couldn't run for fear of agitating the beast inside of me and expediting the inevitable. I start walking home, with purpose. Sign me up for the Olympics because I'm a speed walking queen. I get about half a mile down when it hits me. I've got five minutes until show time. That's when I realize that I have found myself a way out of this worst case scenario. My best friend and her husband live in an development off the road I was run/jog/walk/dying along and I decided that getting to her house was the best option. I jetted as fast as my squatty legs would take me and then got lost in her subdivision. I found my way to her house, knocked ferociously, and felt a wave of relief (not that much relief you sickos) wash over me when she answered the door. I quickly said "I'M HAVING A WORST CASE SCENARIO I HAVE TO USE YOUR BATHROOM I'LL EXPLAIN LATER" and ran faster than Usain Bolt to her bathroom.

I made it. I did not have an accident and my friend (who happened to be the college roommate I mentioned earlier) laughed so hard that I thought she was going to have an accident herself!

There are so many morals to this story: 1. Always play the WCS game because one day you'll live it, 2. Don't run/jog/walk or you will DIE, 3. Never eat quinoa, and 4. Being healthy will cause you to almost soil yourself- so avoid it at all costs. 


  1. Good thing I am a horrible runner...and eating healthy does that to me too haha

  2. i love that you called it a run/jog/walk/die. oh my gosh, that's hilarious!

    And I am so glad that you dominated your WCS. I'm never eating quinoa solely for the fact that this happened to you.


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