why i sometimes hate blogging

I have to be honest: sometimes I hate the blogging world. I almost feel like I'm pulled back into high school sometimes with it and I hate how it does that to me. I don't want to bash a really lovely medium, because I truly believe that there is so much good within the blogging world. Let me just explain. I started blogging when I was in high school because I had a lot of feelings. I've always been expressive and blogs seemed like a natural transition from a journal (I was a fool!), so I did what any normal, overemotional teenager did and made a livejournal account. I proceeded to write for several years under different names there and enjoyed that medium.
When I moved to Korea, my blog became a very important way of communicating stories and pictures with family and friends. It was a great way to write down silly stories or explain about the place I was living in. I still love rereading those entries because they are just so special. My dear bloggy friend Fran wrote a really lovely post earlier this year about blogging. It really hit home for me. If you haven't already read it, go and pour over her words- you won't regret it. She's such a great writer and this post is one straight from her heart.
I started this particular blog to chronicle life post Korea with a new job and in a new/old state. I never, ever set out to be a "blogger" nor did I ever want to write about things that didn't actually interest me just for the sake of gaining readership. I post what I want, when I want, and write in a way that I feel accurately portrays who I am. This is not meant to sound sassy, but if it does, that's probably because I am very sassy and often have trouble containing it. 
My little blog is everything I could want it to be. I love that there are a handful of lovebugs who read my words and reply with their words. It is so special and I would rather have this lovely little corner than a blog with a ton of readers who I don't know or feel connected to.  It's weird to me that anyone would want to read what I say, but I'm glad there are some who do and glad that I've gotten to make some great connections on here.
That said, I absolutely can not and will not write things that I don't entirely believe in.  It makes me sad to see some people who have gotten swept up in the "glamour" of attaining followers and forgotten why they loved writing in the first place. I am writing for me, and if you like that, stick around, if you don't- your loss, right? 

book review: the good and beautiful god

One of my resolutions for this year was to read more, specifically it was to read/finish twenty five books. Since that post, I've finished three books (I have a loooong way to go), but one I just recently finished warranted a book review. 
I read "The Good and Beautiful God" by James Bryan Smith with the student development team at the university I work for. One thing that I really loved this book is that it was a theology book but was organized into nine very easy to understand chapters. There was no theological jargon that left me wondering what the heck I was reading; Smith put everything in terms that even the babiest of believers could understand. 
I appreciate that, even as someone who has studied theology and been a believer since childhood. I think sometimes we complicate things way too much and we need to get back to the basics, or the b6 as we say in bingo. I love that the tagline of the book was "falling in love with the God Jesus knows." 

Favorite Passages:

"If I were wise, I would spend time each day thanking God for the 'vast treasure' he has given me. I could start, but I could never stop."

"The larger narrative from the biblical story is a massive tapestry of grace and generosity."

"If we think of God as a vague and impersonal force in the universe, we will probably have a vague and impersonal relationship with this god."

One thing that I really liked about the book was that it had "soul trainings" at the end of every chapter. For example, in the chapter about God being trustworthy, the soul training asks you to list blessings, regardless of how big or how little. Then it prompts you to praise God for the abundant list of blessings and reflect upon God's goodness. 

There were some chapters that I didn't enjoy as much as others, but overall, I found this to be a good read. If you decide to read it, I recommend reading it in a community setting, like read it as a part of a group so that you can get together and discuss the book as well as the soul trainings. I found that reading it together with others was much more fruitful than if I would have just read it on my own. There's also a small group discussion guide in the back of the book which provides extra topics of conversation. 

This book might not rock your world or challenge any of your beliefs, but I do think that it will give you some insight onto the wonder and majesty of God. The soul trainings will provide discipline in spending time thanking God and studying his character. For those of us who have been in the church a while, this book provides a way to step back and re-fall in love with our good and beautiful God.

(See what I did there? Clever girl.)

r e s p e c t

I used to think respect was just something you gave to adults, but as I've gotten older, I've learned that respect needs to be the standard when interacting with any other human being. 
I've recently started weeding out friends. I hate the way that sounds, but I'm not sure how else to say it. I don't really see a need or have a desire to invest in people that don't respect me, encourage me, and uplift me. I don't think that is asking too much either. I think that should be the standard. People should be decent to one another.
I had an experience with a person who I felt disrespected me so much. This person was selfish, rude, and then tried to make my desire to be responsible a problem. I don't like that. I don't think that's fair. I think the beautiful thing about friendships is that we're all in different places doing different things, but we get to be a part of other peoples journeys and support them in what they are doing.
Right now my journey is graduate school, working, and an internship. I'm busy. I would love to be able to be carefree and throw caution to the wind, but that's not what my life looks like right now. It bothers me that there are certain people who refuse to respect that our lives look differently and we have different responsibilities. 
I love that my friends are all doing different things. I'm occasionally envious of the friends that are getting to do whatever they want and maybe some of my friends are occasionally envious of the situation that I'm in as well. Maybe they aren't, but that's not really the point of this all. The point is that we don't need to tolerate people in our lives who disrespect us and make us feel bad. Friendships should be beautiful and encouraging, not heavy and hard. Granted, there are periods of time where a friendship is hard or strenuous, but I don't think that means we have to tolerate disrespect.
I respect myself to know what I deserve, what I can offer, and what a healthy, adult relationship should look like. I will continue surrounding myself with people who love me, uplift me, challenge me, and respect me, but I will not allow selfish, rude, or disrespectful people to start chipping away at my life. 
[This rant is brought to you by a very frustrating Sunday, a tired brain from  studying for finals, and a Monday morning (enough said).]

the time i broke my own heart

There have been a few things I've been a little bit quiet lately just because I haven't known how to talk about them... like the fact that I've sort of been dating someone. I'll back up and give you guys the full story and tell you how it ended with me sobbing big, broken tears on my bed. 
I met this guy December. He was friends with a bunch of my friends and he made me laugh. We started chatting after I met him and I really didn't think anything of it. I just thought that he was fun to talk to. I pretty soon started anxiously awaiting his reply and just wanted to talk to him all the time. I realized I had developed a little crush. He lives a couple hours away with a group of my friends so I decided in January that I would go visit- not for him, but for the group, and he was definitely a part of the group. It was nice to get to talk to him more in person but then I sort of realized that I just liked him as a friend. I was fine with that. I think that I retreated a little when I got back just to put a little distance in between us and not be too available or give him the wrong impression. We did keep talking though and he made a plan to come visit some friends in Boise. He asked if he could see me when he came down and I agreed. What was the harm in spending a day with a friend? The day was wonderful and filled with really lovely moments. Being with him was so natural. I made plans to come up and visit about a month later with some other friends and he asked if he could take me on a date. I said no. I just wasn't sure, and seeing as how I had never previously been on a date before, I was afraid. I thought about it for a while and then decided that a date was fine. A date wasn't commitment, a date wasn't anything other than two people getting to know each other over a meal. 
He took me out on a wonderful date and was such a gentleman. I have never been treated so well by any male other than my father before. He opened all of the doors for me, asked how I was feeling, made me feel safe, and asked me questions because he was interested in what I had to say. I liked being with him and he just made me feel so comfortable which was a plus because I was a fish out of water during this whole experience. He decided to come visit me two weeks later (this weekend) and asked if he could take me out again. I was really excited to get to spend more time with him and see if this relationship is something that could go somewhere. I realize it wasn't a relationship, but he had been very upfront about his feelings the whole time. It wasn't in an aggressive way, but in an "I know what I want" way. It was attractive. 
There were no games.  There was no guessing.  He knew what he wanted and it was to continue pursuing me. 
He took me out on another lovely date this weekend. He took me out to see Jurassic Park 3D which was precious because that's one of my favorite movies and I was beyond excited that it was being rereleased in theaters. After the move he took me to dinner in Boise at my favorite restaurant and it was there that I started to doubt. Not doubt his feelings or him at all, but I think I started to doubt myself. The next day I realized that although he was perfect, wonderful, and entirely good to me- something was missing. There was a certain spark, something that wasn't there. I started to feel sick. I knew that I needed to tell him because honesty was the thing that I had promised him from the beginning. 
I called him to tell him and I just started crying. I was able to explain that I just wanted to be friends, but I was crying harder than I've cried in a long time. I just felt so guilty. He was still in town so he came over and made it even worse by being so caring and tender. He told me it was okay and that he wasn't mad at me. I asked him to be mad at me and call me names. He said he would never do that. He told me I had given him the one thing that I promised to give him and that was honesty. He was so kind to me that it broke my heart even more. I couldn't help but thinking what my problem was. This wonderful, smart, caring, handsome, funny, and driven man was pursuing me so I'm obviously the one with the problem. He sat with me, rubbed my back, and told me it was okay while I cried mascara all over my pillow and had snot all over my face. 
If this is what dating is like- count me out. Don't get me wrong, it was a wonderful experience and I'm so lucky that my first dating experience was with such a quality guy, but that pain of causing someone else pain is just too much to carry. I wish that I felt the way about him that I know I should have felt. I have nothing negative to say about him. He was better to me than anyone has ever been and that just breaks my heart even more. 

mossy fox jewelry giveaway

Hey friends. So I'm not giving away anything- except air kisses, you can have as many of those as you like, FO FREE. My best friend Aubrey of Yes Dear, Studio recently did a shoot for The Mossy Fox. My little sister modeled for her, and boy oh boy, I may be partial, but shawty is a ten.

Okay, that wasn't the point. The point was to tell you that Aubs is giving away a $50.00 credit to The Mossy Fox on her blog! The giveaway is open until April 18th and while I sort of want you guys to enter it, I sort of don't want you to because I want to win. I'm just being honest. 

Click here for the blog entry telling you how to enter as well as showcasing some of the lovely images that Aubrey took of my little sister. You should probably enter because it's a pretty sweet prize, 

but just don't win- okay? 

the cat's out of the bag

Bah! I can finally share something with you guys that I've been wanting to share F O R E V E R. And by forever, I mean since February-ish. This is one of the things that has been adding so much stress to my life and I feel so relieved now that I can talk about it. 
I've been hired as an Residence Director at my alma mater.
In the words of Kristen Wiig: 

This job basically combines everything I love: sisterhood, counseling, spirituality, community, and social events. I know there is going to be so much to do and there's going to be moments where I feel overwhelmed, but I am so excited and blessed to have this opportunity. This will be a full time job where I get to live and work in the same place. I'll be the RD for the Freshman girls and I can't even explain how exciting that it. I've had a lot of different jobs in the past, I've done some pretty rad things, but this? This is a career. This is a big girl job. This pays the bills, this has benefits, and this has a real job description. I feel so blessed to be able to have this position, to be entrusted with the livelihood of these girls I have yet to meet. I am so flattered that this university feels like I am the best addition to their team. The staff here is just of the highest caliber, they are real gems, and to be considered worthy enough and capable enough to work with them? That's a blessing. 

I will start this job in August and I can't even begin to say how stoked I am. My mind is already buzzing with ideas on how to create a community in that dorm and how to love each of those girls in the best possible way. Pray for me. Pray for the dorm. Please pray for the residents that I have yet to meet. You guys, things are changing 'round here. Life is moving and I couldn't be more excited. 

six heavy letters

S   T   R   E   S   S
I feel like I've always been pretty good at managing stress. I've found creative outlets like exercising, journaling, and chatting. Somehow, even in incredibly stressful situations, things have never felt overwhelming. I've never really felt like I was drowning, until now.
I can't put my finger on it, but I've been anxious and overwhelmed for the past month or so. I've started producing gray hairs more rapidly and my sleep has been horribly shallow. My nails have been brittle, my skin has been bad, and I've felt nauseous almost daily. The stress, the horrible stress that I've usually been able to manage, has manifested itself physically, and boy has it taken its toll.
I first started worrying about finances, which led into worrying about school, certain relationships have shifted lately leaving me feeling vulnerable and self conscious, and life has been filled with unknown. Sometimes it feels like there's so much to worry about that I just want to weep, and you know what? Sometimes I do. 
I hate feeling this way, because I've always felt stable and strong. In these moments recently, I've been anything but stable and strong. I'm not sure how or why things have escalated to the point where they are at, but even in the midst of these very overwhelming feelings, I know that it is just a season. There will be peace after the storm and although I feel as though I have no control, Jesus has control. 
I'm not sure what prompted me to write about this today. I don't necessarily feel better, but I want people to know where I'm at, I want people to understand that life is difficult, and sometimes you feel sick every day, but the Lord provides. He provides in all facets of life, and while I feel sick, broken, and exhausted, Jesus will meet me at my breaking point and put back together the pieces. He will bind me together and make me feel whole, but until I'm overcome with the peace of Jesus, there's always melatonin and hair dye.